When Your Feelings Are Used Against You: Recognizing the Abuse in Appeal to Emotion
This article is part of my series on fallacies — the flawed ways of thinking that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. Each week, we’ll unpack a different fallacy, explore how it shows up in relationships, church culture, and narcissistic abuse, and learn how to replace it with clarity, truth, and freedom.
You can explore the full series here:
Letting Go Isn’t Losing: Understanding the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Our Healing Journeys
When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
When Abuse Makes It Feel Like You Have No Choice: Breaking Free from the False Dilemma
A Trap That Pulls at the Heart
In my mind’s eye, I can still see the woman sitting across from me, wracked with guilt she didn’t deserve. With a haunted expression, she recounted her husband’s words:
“If you tell anyone, it will destroy my reputation. I’ll lose everything. WE will lose everything! Think of the kids…”
She carried the shame that rightfully belonged to him. His choices had harmed her, but through this appeal to pity, she was made to feel like she was the destroyer. Her shoulders shook as she whispered, “If I speak, I ruin him. If I stay silent, I ruin myself.” This is the cruel power of an appeal to emotion: it shifts the weight of consequences off the perpetrator and onto the one already carrying the wound.
Another woman described the heaviness she felt in her church. Already stretched thin at home and struggling to make ends meet, she was approached by leadership and told: “Without you, this program won’t survive. Think of all the people who won’t be reached if you step back.”
She sat in my office, eyes hollow with exhaustion, and said, “I felt like if I said no, I was letting God down.” She wasn’t being invited to serve in joy or freedom — she was being guilted into carrying a load God never asked her to bear.
And then there are the women who tell me this pattern started in childhood. One recalled the fear she felt in her enmeshed family when she tried to pull away for healthy independence. The message was clear: “If you step out on your own, you’ll destroy this family. We won’t survive without you.”
It reminded me of a scene in the movie Tangled, when Rapunzel’s mother manipulates her with fear: “The world is dark and selfish and cruel. If it finds even the smallest ray of sunshine, it will destroy it.” That’s appeal to emotion in its rawest form — using fear to keep someone small, silenced, and under control.
What Is an Appeal to Emotion?
An appeal to emotion is when someone tries to win an argument or control behavior by stirring up feelings — fear, guilt, pity, shame — instead of addressing truth, fairness, or facts.
It can sound persuasive because emotions are powerful. But the goal is not to honor those emotions; it’s to use them as tools of manipulation.
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling heavy with guilt or shame, but not quite sure why, you may have experienced this fallacy. Many of the women I sit with describe that dazed feeling — like their heart got hijacked, and their voice got lost in the process.
It’s important to say this clearly: emotions themselves are not bad. God created our emotions as part of His image in us. They are good, important messengers. But when someone twists them to control us, they become weapons instead of gifts.
Where We See It
Appeals to emotion are everywhere:
Relationships: “If you leave me, I’ll never survive.”
Parenting dynamics: “After all I sacrificed for you, how could you do this to me?”
Friendships: “If you don’t take my side, you were never a real friend.”
Church culture: “If you question leadership, you’re hurting the whole body of Christ.”
Self-talk: “If I set this boundary, I’m being a selfish Christian.”
And in some of the most devastating situations, women who were being abused by powerful leaders were told things like:
“If you ever speak up, think of what this will do to the kingdom of God.”
Instead of addressing the harm, the abuser shifted the weight onto the survivor’s shoulders — making her feel guilty, fearful, and responsible for protecting his reputation and “God’s work.”
If some of these sound painfully familiar, please hear me: it doesn’t mean you were foolish or weak. It means someone took advantage of your tender heart — the very part of you designed by God to love deeply — and twisted it against you.
A Biblical Example
In Nehemiah 6:10–13, Nehemiah’s enemies tried to frighten him into hiding in the temple, claiming it was for his safety. But Nehemiah recognized the manipulation:
“I realized that God had not sent him, but that he had prophesied against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him… He had been hired to intimidate me so that I would commit a sin by doing this.”
They appealed to fear to distract him from the truth — but Nehemiah refused to be swayed.
Over and over in Scripture, we see this contrast: the enemy manipulates through fear, guilt, and intimidation. God leads through clarity, freedom, and peace.
Why It Matters
Appeals to emotion may look like care or concern, but their impact is deeply harmful:
Mentally they cloud judgment. Instead of weighing truth, we’re pressured to soothe the other person’s feelings.
Emotionally they load us down with guilt, fear, or shame that doesn’t belong to us.
Psychologically they train us to silence our needs and ignore our own discernment. Over time, we confuse love with compliance and lose the ability to make decisions without second-guessing ourselves.
Spiritually they distort God’s heart, making Him seem like a manipulator when He is not.
Appeals to emotion are not small missteps in communication. When used consistently, they become abusive — a way of keeping us compliant and silenced.
I’ve watched women sit across from me, twisting their hands as they try to explain why they feel so guilty, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. That is the cruel fruit of this tactic: it loads survivors down with burdens that never belonged to them in the first place.
Researchers who study emotional abuse consistently identify guilt-tripping, fear tactics, and pity-appeals as powerful tools of control. They work because they target our empathy — the very part of us that wants to love well. But over time, these tactics erode healthy boundaries, create patterns of people-pleasing, and keep survivors in cycles of compliance.
Studies show that chronic exposure to emotional manipulation can lead to anxiety, depression, and a weakened sense of identity. Survivors often describe feeling like they’ve “lost themselves” — which makes sense, because the very tools designed to connect us emotionally have been twisted into chains.
When Appeals to Emotion Become Abuse
It’s one thing to use emotion in a conversation. But when appeals to guilt, fear, or pity are used to silence someone about harm — that’s not just a fallacy. That’s abuse.
It shifts responsibility away from the one causing harm and onto the one experiencing it.
It weaponizes compassion, loyalty, and faith against the very person who should be protected.
It makes the survivor feel like telling the truth would be selfish, faithless, or even sinful.
This is spiritual abuse at its core: twisting the name of God or the idea of “the kingdom” to cover sin and keep victims quiet. But God’s kingdom is never built on secrecy and coercion. His kingdom is built on light, truth, and freedom.
Psychological Impact
Living under constant appeals to emotion slowly erodes self-trust. Each time we’re told “if you loved me, you’d do this” or “you’re hurting God by questioning” we’re left questioning our own motives.
This erosion shows up in painful ways:
Boundaries collapse. Saying “no” feels unsafe, so we keep saying “yes” even when it harms us.
Decision-making becomes paralyzing. We hesitate to act unless we can guarantee no one will feel hurt or disappointed.
The inner critic gets louder. We replay conversations, wondering if we really were selfish, unloving, or unfaithful.
Identity weakens. Our worth begins to feel tethered to how well we please others.
No wonder so many women say, “I feel like I’ve lost my spark.” Emotional manipulation slowly smothers that spark, burying it under false guilt and fear.
But here’s the hope: your spark was never truly lost. It may have been dimmed, but it is not gone. As you begin to name this tactic for what it is, reclaim your voice, and rest in God’s truth, that spark will reignite.
How to Identify the Fallacy
So how do you know if what you’re hearing is an appeal to emotion rather than truth? A few gentle questions can help:
Are they trying to stir your feelings instead of engaging your thoughts? Listen for emotionally charged language, guilt-inducing stories, or dramatic “what ifs.”
Are they sidestepping facts or logical reasons? If no clear evidence is offered — just pressure to feel a certain way — it’s often a red flag.
Do the emotions connect to the claim? Some emotions are appropriate (like grief when something is unjust). But if the feelings being pushed don’t logically prove the point, they’re likely being used as a tactic.
Remember: emotions are good and God-given. But when they’re used to replace truth instead of support it, we may be looking at an appeal to emotion.
What to Do When You Suspect an Appeal to Emotion
If you sense your emotions are being manipulated, here are a few gentle steps:
Pause and Breathe. Notice what emotion is being triggered in you — guilt, fear, shame, or pity.
Name the Pressure. Ask: “Is this about truth, or is this about control through feelings?”
Recenter in God’s Heart. Remember: God never manipulates with fear or guilt. His love is steady, freeing, and rooted in truth.
Seek Perspective. Share the situation with a trusted friend, counselor, or mentor who can help you see clearly.
Choose with Clarity. Decisions made from guilt or fear rarely bring peace. Wait for the voice that leads to freedom, not bondage.
Reflection for You
Take a few moments to journal:
When have I felt pressured to act out of guilt, fear, or pity?
How did it feel in my body?
What truth was I unable to see clearly in that moment?
What might it look like to make decisions rooted in peace instead of pressure?
A Word of Hope
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That’s me — I’ve been living under this,” please know this: you are seen, you are heard, and you are not alone.
If appeals to emotion have kept you trapped, it wasn’t because you were weak. It was because you care deeply, and manipulators know that. They target the tender places of your heart.
But God never manipulates His daughters. His Spirit does not coerce or guilt-trip. His voice is steady, kind, and rooted in love that sets us free.
The same God who gave you emotions also gave you discernment. You are allowed to use both. You are allowed to let truth guide your choices, not fear.
I’ve walked with many women through the slow untangling of this pattern, and I’ve watched them find their spark again. I believe the same freedom is possible for you.
Your spark is not gone. With each step back into clarity, it glows brighter.
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Step Out of the Trap of Emotional Manipulation
Some of the heaviest chains aren’t physical — they’re the ways others use your feelings to control, guilt, or shame you. But you don’t have to be trapped by emotional manipulation. If you’ve been told your feelings are wrong, exaggerated, or sinful, know this: there is another way.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and together we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize when emotions are being used against you, reclaim your dignity, and respond with clarity instead of fear.
Be sure to explore my resource list as well — filled with trusted books, workbooks, and tools to support you in building emotional resilience, self-trust, and freedom.
You don’t have to carry the weight of someone else’s manipulation. Step by step, we’ll separate truth from control, restore your voice, and create space for your feelings to be honored, not weaponized.
With you,
Charlene, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
