When Abuse Makes It Feel Like You Have No Choice: Breaking Free from the False Dilemma
This article is part of my series on fallacies — the flawed ways of thinking that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. Each week, we’ll unpack a different fallacy, explore how it shows up in relationships, church culture, and narcissistic abuse, and learn how to replace it with clarity, truth, and freedom.
You can explore the full series here:
Letting Go Isn’t Losing: Understanding the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Our Healing Journeys
When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
A Trap That Looks Like a Choice
I’ll never forget the woman sitting across from me. Her shoulders slumped, eyes downcast, as though the weight of her whole world was pressing her into that chair. With trembling hands, she described what her husband had told her when she dared to voice her pain:
“You can either stay and be faithful to God, or you can leave and prove you’ve turned your back on Him.”
I could see the conflict in her face — torn between survival and shame. My heart ached, because I knew what she couldn’t yet see: this wasn’t faithfulness, it was a trap.
I’ve also sat with women who’ve faced the same crushing either/or inside the church. One woman told me about raising questions regarding a leader’s behavior, only to be met with:
“You can either submit without question, or you’re rebelling against God.”
I’ll never forget the confusion in her eyes, the way her voice cracked as she said softly, “But I wasn’t trying to rebel — I was trying to tell the truth.”
And then there are the women who carry these wounds all the way back to childhood. One described how her mother would say to her:
“Either you obey me without question, or you’re a disrespectful, ungrateful child.”
She learned early that there was no safe middle ground — no space for curiosity, questions, or even her own voice. Even as an adult, she carried the echoes of that message, still wrestling with the fear that standing up for herself made her “bad.”
What Is a False Dilemma?
A false dilemma is a fallacy that insists there are only two choices when, in reality, there are many.
It often shows up in language like:
“You’re either for me or against me.”
“If you loved me, you’d do this.”
“Either you forgive me immediately, or you’re being un-Christlike.”
“It’s my way or no way.”
If you’ve ever felt cornered in a conversation — like every choice left you feeling guilty or wrong — you’ve probably experienced a false dilemma. And if that’s you, you’re not alone. I’ve sat with many women in that same place, watching the light of self-doubt dim their eyes as they ask, “What if I really am the problem?”
This kind of thinking paints the issue in black and white. It erases the gray areas, the nuance, and the other possibilities that exist. And in abusive or manipulative settings, it’s often used to pressure someone into silence or compliance.
Where We See It
False dilemmas don’t just show up in marriages — they creep into so many areas of life:
Parenting: “Either you obey without question, or you’re a bad child.”
Friendship: “If you don’t take my side, then you must not care about me.”
Workplace: “Either you’re loyal to this company, or you’re not a team player.”
Self-talk: “Either I’m perfect, or I’m a complete failure.”
Church culture: “Either you submit to leadership, or you’re rebelling against God.”
Do you notice the theme? Each one squeezes out the freedom of choice and creates shame if you don’t comply.
A Biblical Example
One of the clearest biblical examples of a false dilemma is the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1–11).
The religious leaders dragged her before Jesus and demanded, “In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”
On the surface, it looked like there were only two choices:
Approve of stoning → and appear merciless, denying His message of grace.
Deny the law of Moses → and be accused of rejecting God’s Word.
That’s a textbook false dilemma. They were trying to trap Him — and using this woman’s life as the bait.
But Jesus refused to accept their framing. Instead, He created a third way: “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
In a single sentence, He dismantled their trap, exposed their hypocrisy, and restored the woman’s dignity. He showed us that false dilemmas don’t have to define us — God always makes a way of truth and freedom.
Why It Matters
False dilemmas are harmful because they:
Limit imagination and choice. They make it seem like there’s no alternative, no middle ground, no freedom.
Fuel shame. No matter what you choose, you’re “wrong” in someone’s eyes.
Keep you dependent. When you buy into their either/or framing, you lose trust in your own judgment and stay trapped in their narrative.
Every time I sit with a woman untangling this pattern, I’m struck by how heavy the shame feels. She’ll whisper, “I should have known better,” when in truth she was caught in a trap designed to confuse and control. False dilemmas don’t reveal weakness — they reveal how deeply someone longed to do the right thing, even when the options were twisted against her.
For survivors of narcissistic abuse or harmful church teaching, false dilemmas are especially powerful. They keep us stuck in cycles of compliance — afraid that choosing differently makes us sinful, selfish, or unworthy.
But here’s the truth: God is never limited by false choices. His heart is expansive, creative, and free. He will never shame His daughters into staying small.
The Double Bind of False Dilemmas
A false dilemma often creates what psychologists call a double bind — a situation where every option feels like the wrong one.
If you comply, you lose your voice, your dignity, or even your safety.
If you resist, you’re accused of being unloving, rebellious, or unfaithful.
Either way, you’re left carrying shame that doesn’t belong to you.
Mentally, double binds create confusion and self-doubt. You start to question your own judgment because nothing feels “right.”
Emotionally, they stir anxiety, helplessness, and despair — the sense that no matter what you do, you’ll be condemned.
Psychologically, living in double binds over time can lead to trauma responses, hypervigilance, and even symptoms of CPTSD. Your brain is wired to expect that you’ll always be “wrong.”
Spiritually, double binds are devastating. They distort your image of God, making Him seem like the one holding the trap. Instead of a God of freedom and grace, you may feel He is demanding the impossible, leaving you stuck in fear and guilt.
But here’s the truth: God never places His daughters in double binds. The enemy does. Abusers do. Manipulative systems do. Jesus, on the other hand, consistently broke false dilemmas wide open and offered a third way — one that restored dignity, invited freedom, and revealed God’s heart of compassion.
Psychologists who study abusive dynamics describe double binds as one of the most damaging patterns in relationships. When every choice leads to punishment or shame, the brain learns to expect there is no “right” answer. Over time, research shows that double binds erode self-trust, fuel chronic anxiety, and create deep confusion about identity and worth.
Survivors often describe feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” all the time, waiting for the next no-win situation. This is not weakness — it’s the predictable impact of being trapped in a cycle designed to keep you disoriented and dependent.
Psychological Impact of False Dilemmas
When we’re faced with a false dilemma, our bodies often react as though we’re in danger. The nervous system interprets “only two choices” as a kind of survival threat: fight, flee, freeze — or fawn. That’s why we may feel panicked, cornered, eager to appease, or even go blank in the moment.
Over time, this can train our brains to expect traps everywhere — to question our judgment, to silence our own needs, or to collapse into shame.
If that’s happened to you, please hear this: it doesn’t mean you were weak or gullible. It means your body was doing its best to keep you safe in a confusing or threatening environment. That survival response is not your fault.
The good news? As we learn to spot false dilemmas for what they are, our nervous systems can begin to settle. Our bodies and hearts can relearn what’s true: we do have more than two choices. We are capable of discerning God’s wisdom. We are free.
What to Do When You Suspect a False Dilemma
If you find yourself feeling trapped in an “either/or” situation, here are a few gentle steps you can take:
Pause and Breathe. Notice the pressure rising in your body. Slow down your breathing and give yourself permission not to answer right away.
Name the Trap. Quietly remind yourself: “This might be a false dilemma. There could be more than two options here.”
Look for the Third Way. Ask: “What other possibilities exist that aren’t being named?” Sometimes that means creating new boundaries, asking clarifying questions, or seeking God’s perspective instead of the manipulator’s.
Seek Support. If the pressure feels heavy, share the situation with a trusted friend, counselor, or safe faith mentor. An outside voice can often see options that are hard to notice when you feel cornered.
Ground Yourself in Truth. Remember: God’s voice never boxes you into shame. His wisdom always makes space for freedom, safety, and dignity.
Reflection for You
Take a moment and ask yourself:
Where in my life have I been told there are only two options?
Were those options really the only ones available?
If I stepped back, what other possibilities might I see?
Writing them down may begin to loosen the hold of “either/or” thinking.
A Word of Hope
Maybe you’ve carried these either/or messages for years, believing they defined who you were. But you are not the choices others forced on you. You are more.
False dilemmas may have boxed you in, but they don’t define you. You are allowed to step out of the trap. You are allowed to say, “There’s another way.”
The same Jesus who bent low to meet the woman in the dust meets you in the places where you feel most ashamed. He doesn’t tower over you with condemnation. He kneels beside you with compassion, lifting your face to remind you that shame and false choices don’t get the last word.
And those voices that try to trap you with “either/or” choices? They are like stones, heavy with accusation. But just as He did that day in the temple courts, Jesus causes those stones to fall. One by one, the accusations lose their grip, and you are left standing in the presence of love, uncondemned and free.
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Step Out of the Trap of False Choices
Some of the most painful chains aren’t the ones we see — they’re the either/or traps that make us believe we have no way out. But you don’t have to live bound by false dilemmas. If you’ve been told your only choices are silence or shame, compliance or condemnation, I want you to know: there is another way.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and together we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize false dilemmas, reclaim your dignity, and step into freedom without fear.
Be sure to explore my resource list as well — filled with trusted books, workbooks, and tools that can support you in building clarity, self-trust, and resilience.
You don’t have to carry the weight of impossible choices. Step by step, we’ll dismantle the lies, open up space for truth, and restore your voice to its rightful place — strong, steady, and free.
With you,
Charlene, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
