When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
This article is part of my series on fallacies — the flawed ways of thinking that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. Each week, we’ll unpack a different fallacy, explore how it shows up in relationships, church culture, and narcissistic abuse, and learn how to replace it with clarity, truth, and freedom.
A Trap That Clouds the Truth
A woman once told me she tried to explain to her husband how his yelling was frightening their children. Instead of listening, he shot back:
“Well, what about the time you forgot to pay the electric bill?”
The issue slipped away. The focus shifted. Suddenly she was defending herself over a distraction instead of being heard about what really mattered.
I’ve seen this happen in church settings, too. A member raised concerns about financial transparency and was told:
“Why are you being so negative? You should be grateful for all the good this ministry does.”
Again, the spotlight moved. The original concern was buried under a guilt-laden diversion.
This is the heart of the red herring fallacy. It’s less about trapping us in a no-win choice (like a false dilemma) and more about throwing smoke in the air so we can’t see straight.
What Is a Red Herring?
A red herring is a fallacy where someone diverts attention away from the real issue by introducing something irrelevant, emotional, or distracting.
It may sound important, but its purpose is to lead us off track — to make us lose sight of what truly matters.
Where We See It
Red herrings creep into many corners of life:
Relationships: A partner avoids accountability by pointing to your unrelated mistakes.
Friendships: “I know I hurt you, but remember when you let me down too?”
Workplace: A boss sidesteps responsibility by focusing on minor employee errors.
Church culture: Questions about harm get brushed aside with, “Don’t you trust God’s anointed?” or “Why focus on negatives when so many lives are being saved?”
Self-talk: “Sure, I feel hurt — but maybe I’m just being too sensitive.”
If these sound familiar, please know you’re not alone. Many of us have been on the receiving end of these diversions, and they can wear us down without us even realizing it.
A Biblical Example
In Luke 13:10–17, Jesus healed a woman who had been bent over for eighteen years. Instead of rejoicing in her freedom, the synagogue leaders threw out a red herring:
“There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath.”
Notice the move: instead of celebrating her healing, they dragged the conversation into a legalistic debate about Sabbath rules.
But Jesus cut through the fog. He answered, “Should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?”
The leaders saw rules. Jesus saw a woman. They dismissed her pain. He lifted her dignity. And in that moment, He showed us that God never lets the truth about our worth be buried under anyone’s distraction.
Why It Matters
Red herrings may sound like harmless diversions, but their impact runs deep:
Mentally they leave us questioning our memory and judgment — “Was I wrong to bring this up?”
Emotionally they leave us feeling dismissed, silenced, or even guilty for speaking at all.
Psychologically they condition us to stop speaking up, expecting our concerns will always be brushed aside or turned against us.
Spiritually they can be devastating. When leaders use them to dodge accountability, they make God seem complicit in the cover-up. Many women have been told: “Stop being negative, focus on the good.” That kind of spiritual red herring buries truth under guilt and makes questioning harm feel like disobedience to God.
Red herrings aren’t just frustrating; they’re abusive when used deliberately. They train us to chase distractions instead of standing in our truth. This isn’t a “communication style” or a harmless quirk — it’s a way of keeping power in the hands of the one deflecting, while leaving us spinning. And that is not love.
Over time, living under constant red herrings can feel like trying to grasp smoke. The truth keeps slipping through our fingers. We may start to feel invisible, as if our voices don’t matter. And that, dear one, is no small wound — it strikes at our dignity, our trust in ourselves, and even our image of God.
Red herrings are cousins to gaslighting. While gaslighting makes us question reality, red herrings keep us chasing distractions so we can’t hold onto it. Both tactics leave us exhausted, doubting ourselves, and carrying guilt that was never ours to carry.
Psychologists who study abusive dynamics often identify deflection and distraction as forms of coercive control. They keep the focus off the abuser and on the survivor, creating constant self-doubt. Research shows this kind of repeated dismissal doesn’t just silence concerns in the moment — it can reshape the way we see ourselves, making us less likely to trust our own judgment or voice.
Psychological Impact of Red Herrings
When we encounter a red herring, our bodies often react with frustration, confusion, or even shame. It can feel like the ground just shifted under our feet.
Repeated exposure can wire trauma responses into our bodies: fight, flight, freeze — or fawn. We may find ourselves arguing harder to prove the point, shutting down altogether, or quickly apologizing to keep the peace.
But perhaps the most destructive impact is this: red herrings slowly erode our ability to trust ourselves. Every time the real issue is brushed aside, we’re left wondering if we misjudged, misspoke, or overreacted. After a while, we start to believe the lie that our perceptions can’t be trusted.
This erosion shows up in so many ways:
Decision-making feels paralyzing. If every past attempt at naming harm was twisted, we hesitate to speak at all.
The inner critic grows louder. We replay conversations, blaming ourselves for bringing it up in the first place.
Boundaries collapse. Staying silent begins to feel safer than risking dismissal or attack.
Identity weakens. When our voices are consistently redirected or silenced, we begin to lose sight of who we are apart from the noise.
This is why red herrings are so destructive. They don’t just derail a single conversation — they train us to mistrust our own truth.
But here’s hope: self-trust can be rebuilt. When we name the tactic for what it is, gently redirect back to the real issue, and receive validation from safe people, we begin to hear our own voice again.
And slowly, we remember: it was never wrong to speak up. It was wrong for others not to listen.
As we reclaim our voice, something beautiful begins to stir — the inner spark we thought was gone starts to glow again. That spark of dignity, of joy, of being fully alive in God’s love was never truly extinguished. It may have been buried under years of dismissal or shame, but it is still there. And as truth and compassion fan its flame, it grows brighter.
What to Do When You Suspect a Red Herring
If you sense the conversation veering off course, here are a few gentle steps you can take:
Pause and Notice. Ask yourself: “Is this actually addressing what I raised, or is it a distraction?”
Name the Fog. Quietly remind yourself: “This feels like a red herring. The real issue is still waiting.”
Gently Redirect. If safe, bring it back: “That may be true, but let’s return to what I was saying.”
Hold Your Ground. Even if others won’t acknowledge it, remind yourself the concern you raised still matters.
Anchor in God’s Heart. Remember: God does not speak in smoke and mirrors. His voice is steady, clear, and never dismisses our pain.
Reflection for You
Take a few moments to reflect:
When have I raised a concern and felt it was brushed aside with a distraction?
How did that leave me feeling?
What truth was buried under the red herring?
Writing your answers may help you reclaim the truth that was pushed aside.
A Word of Hope
As we begin to name these patterns, I’d love to hear your thoughts: Have you ever felt silenced by distractions? How did you begin to find clarity again? Your story might be the very encouragement another woman needs.
If we’ve lived under constant red herrings, no wonder we feel exhausted. We’ve been carrying smoke instead of clarity. And yet — the fact that we can even see the pattern now is proof of our strength.
If someone has used this tactic on you, please hear this: the abuse was never your fault. It was not because you were too sensitive or because you failed to explain yourself well enough. It was because someone chose to silence and distract instead of listen and love. You deserved to be heard then, and you deserve to be heard now.
The same Jesus who defended the bent-over woman on the Sabbath defends us, too. When others dismissed her healing, He insisted on her dignity. He saw her pain. He called her “daughter.” He made sure the truth wasn’t lost in the fog of distraction.
He does the same for us. He refuses to let our pain be minimized, our voices be silenced, or our truths be buried. His love brings the focus back, again and again, to what matters most: our freedom, our dignity, our worth.
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Take Back Your Voice and Your Clarity
Some of the heaviest chains we carry aren’t physical—they’re the distractions and diversions that keep us from speaking our truth. But you don’t have to face them alone. If you’ve been silenced, dismissed, or left chasing smoke instead of clarity, I can walk alongside you as you untangle these patterns and reclaim your voice, confidence, and freedom.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and together we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize red herrings, hold your ground, and step into a life where your concerns are heard and honored.
Be sure to check out my resource list as well, filled with trusted books, workbooks, and tools that support your journey toward clarity, self-trust, and empowerment.
You don’t have to chase every distraction or carry every story that others try to impose on you. Step by step, we’ll separate the diversions from the truth—and create space for your voice, your dignity, and your freedom to shine.
With you,
Charlene, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
