When Your Words Are Twisted: Spotting the Strawman Fallacy in Abusive Relationships
This article is part of my series on fallacies — the flawed ways of thinking that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. Each week, we’ll unpack a different fallacy, explore how it shows up in relationships, church culture, and narcissistic abuse, and learn how to replace it with clarity, truth, and freedom.
You can explore the full series here:
Letting Go Isn’t Losing: Understanding the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Our Healing Journeys
When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
When Abuse Makes It Feel Like You Have No Choice: Breaking Free from the False Dilemma
When Feelings Are Used Against You: Recognizing the Appeal to Emotion
Trapped in the Loop: Spotting Circular Reasoning in Abusive Relationships
A Distorted Picture
There was a heaviness about her, the kind that seeps into the room before a word is spoken. With tired eyes and a voice thick with weariness, she recounted what happened when she asked her husband for help with the household chores. She hadn’t accused him or attacked him — she simply said she was overwhelmed and could use some support. His reply? “So you’re saying I’m lazy? You think I do nothing around here?”
Her reasonable request was twisted into an accusation she never made. I could see the weariness in her eyes as she told me this story. She wasn’t asking for much — only to share the load in her home. But instead of being met with care, she was forced onto the defensive. That is the cruelty of a strawman: it takes our most ordinary, reasonable needs and paints them as attacks.
Another woman described a church meeting during the Christmas season. She was already stretched thin with school concerts, family gatherings, and endless December responsibilities. At the meeting, she gently suggested that maybe the programming could be lighter so families had space to truly reflect on and celebrate the birth of Christ together.
The response came quickly: “So you’re saying the birth of Jesus isn’t important enough to gather for? Don’t you know the Bible says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together?”
Her thoughtful suggestion about balance and honoring Christ’s birth at home was distorted into a charge that she didn’t value ministry or even Scripture itself. She walked away heavy with guilt, her faith questioned, her heart misunderstood, and her voice silenced. Perhaps you’ve felt that too — the ache of wanting to honor Christ, only to have your faith questioned because you dared to suggest another way. If that’s been your story, please know: your heart for Jesus was never the problem. The distortion was.
And sometimes, these patterns start in childhood. One teenage girl remembered asking her mother for space to sit with her friends at a movie. Her mom had insisted on sitting right beside her. When the girl bravely said, “Mom, I just want a little time with my friends,” her mother shot back: “So now you don’t love me? You’d rather be embarrassed of me than spend time together?”
The daughter’s simple request for independence was twisted into an accusation of being unloving and ashamed of her mother. When this happens in childhood, the wound runs deep. Over time, children learn that speaking their truth only leads to blame. If this was your experience, it makes sense if you still feel nervous or guilty when you try to assert your needs today. That doesn’t mean you’re weak — it means you were trained in an environment that punished your voice. And now, slowly, you are unlearning that pattern.
What Is the Strawman Fallacy?
The strawman fallacy happens when someone twists or exaggerates your words into a weaker or more extreme version, and then argues against that instead.
It feels like this:
You say something thoughtful or simple.
The other person distorts it into something bigger, harsher, or false.
And suddenly, you’re defending yourself against something you never said.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “That’s not what I said at all,” you’ve probably been caught in a strawman.
Where We See It
Relationships: “You said you were upset with me — so you must hate me.”
Church: “You disagreed with this interpretation — so you must not believe the Bible.”
Family: “You don’t want to visit this weekend — so you must not care about us.”
Self-talk: “I made one mistake — so I must be a complete failure.”
Strawmen are exhausting because they replace dialogue with distortion. They don’t move you toward truth; they pull you into defending yourself against lies.
A Biblical Example
Even Jesus faced strawman arguments. In Matthew 11:18–19, He pointed out how people distorted both His life and John the Baptist’s into something they weren’t:
John came neither eating nor drinking, and people said, “He has a demon.”
Jesus came eating and drinking, and they said, “Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.”
Do you see the pattern? No matter what they did, their actions were twisted into something easier to dismiss. John’s self-control was distorted into “demonic.” Jesus’ compassion and presence with people was distorted into “gluttony” and “sin.”
I can only imagine how frustrating and hurtful this was — to know the purity of your mission, only to have your words and actions twisted by those unwilling to hear the truth. Maybe you know that sting too: the pain of having your heart misrepresented, your intentions caricatured into something ugly you never said or meant.
Here’s the good news: Jesus gets it. He knows exactly what it feels like to be misrepresented and misunderstood. He didn’t let the distortions define Him — and neither do you have to. He stood firm in His identity and mission, and He offers you the same clarity and dignity when your words are twisted.
Why It Matters
Being misrepresented in this way is more than frustrating — it’s harmful.
Mentally, it creates confusion and self-doubt.
Emotionally, it leaves you feeling defensive, unheard, and weary.
Psychologically, it can chip away at your confidence, making you wonder if maybe you did say something wrong.
Spiritually, in church settings, it can shame you for asking honest questions, making God feel more like a taskmaster than a loving Father.
I’ve sat with many women who replay conversations over and over in their heads, asking, “Did I really sound like that? Did I say it wrong?” The answer is usually no. They didn’t say what they’re being accused of — they were caught in a strawman trap.
Experts in abuse recovery, like Shannon Thomas in her book Healing from Hidden Abuse, note that twisting words is a classic manipulative tactic. It shifts focus away from accountability and forces survivors to defend themselves against distortions. Over time, this creates a kind of gaslighting by distortion — eroding trust in your own memory and voice.
If you’ve found yourself lying awake at night, rehearsing what you said, feeling shame for things you never even said in the first place, you are not alone. The weight you’re carrying is not evidence of failure; it’s evidence of how deeply these tactics wound the soul.
A practical filter Natalie Hoffman (Flying Free Now) offers is the fruit test: step back and ask, What is the fruit of this dynamic? If the consistent outcome is fear, shame, isolation, or endless self-defense, that fruit speaks louder than anyone’s claims about “what you really meant.”
Psychological Impact
Living under strawman arguments wears you down. Survivors often describe feeling:
Misunderstood and unseen.
Constantly on the defensive.
Afraid to speak, knowing their words might be twisted.
The long-term effect is silence. It begins to feel safer not to share your heart at all than to risk being misrepresented. But that silence is costly — it steals your voice, your joy, and your freedom to connect in healthy ways.
How to Identify the Fallacy
Here are a few gentle questions that can help you recognize when a strawman is at play:
Are my actual words being repeated, or are they being exaggerated?
Am I now defending a claim I never made?
Is the response addressing my point, or a distorted version of it?
If the answer points to distortion, you may be facing a strawman. Naming it for what it is is the first step to stepping free.
What to Do When You Suspect a Strawman
Gently Clarify. Repeat your actual words calmly: “That’s not what I said. What I said was…”
Use Boundaries. If the distortions continue, you don’t have to keep correcting. It’s okay to stop the conversation.
Anchor in Truth. Remind yourself: “Their distortion doesn’t define me.”
Seek Safe Support. Share the situation with trusted friends, mentors, or a counselor who can affirm your reality.
Remember the Pattern. As Shannon Thomas points out, distortion is a tactic — not a reflection of your worth or clarity.
Reflection for You
Take a few moments to reflect:
When have my words or intentions been twisted into something I never said?
How did I respond, and how did it leave me feeling?
What would it look like to hold onto my truth instead of chasing down distortions?
Writing this out may begin to loosen the grip of shame and bring clarity back to your heart.
A Word of Hope
If your words have been twisted, please know this: you are not crazy, and you are not alone. Being misrepresented is painful, but it says far more about the other person’s need for control than about your heart.
Jesus Himself was misrepresented — yet He stood firm in truth. And He stands with you now.
You don’t have to keep defending yourself against distortions. You can rest in the truth that God hears the words you actually spoke, and He sees the heart behind them. He is not fooled by distortions. He calls you His beloved, and He delights in your honesty, even when others twist it.
You can stand in the truth of what you actually said, and in the deeper truth of who you are: beloved, seen, and worthy of being heard.
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Step Free from Distortion and Reclaim Your Voice
Some of the heaviest chains aren’t physical — they’re the ways others twist your words, making you doubt yourself or stay silent. But you don’t have to be trapped by strawman arguments. If you’ve been misrepresented, shamed, or forced to defend yourself for things you never said, know this: there is another way.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and together we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize strawman tactics, set clear boundaries, and reclaim your dignity and freedom.
Be sure to explore my resource list — filled with trusted books, workbooks, and tools to support your journey toward clarity, self-trust, and empowerment.
You don’t have to carry the weight of someone else’s distortions. Step by step, we’ll separate truth from manipulation, restore your voice, and create space for your words to be honored exactly as they are.
With you,
Charlene Richardson, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
