When the Script Gets Flipped: A Simple Way to Understand DARVO
This article is the wrap-up of my series on fallacies — those flawed ways of thinking that keep women stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. We’ve walked through false dilemmas, red herrings, appeals to emotion, circular reasoning, and strawman arguments. If that feels like a lot to hold in your head, please breathe easy — you don’t have to memorize them all. There’s a bigger picture here that ties them together.
You can explore the full series here:
Letting Go Isn’t Losing: Understanding the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Our Healing Journeys
When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
When Abuse Makes It Feel Like You Have No Choice: Breaking Free from the False Dilemma
When Your Feelings Are Used Against You: Recognizing the Abuse in Appeal to Emotion
Trapped in the Loop: Spotting Circular Reasoning in Abusive Relationships
When Your Words Are Twisted: Spotting the Strawman Fallacy in Abusive Relationships
When Everything Turns Back on You
Maybe you’ve had this experience: you speak up about something that hurt you, hoping for honesty or change, and before you know it the whole thing has been flipped back on you.
Suddenly you’re the one apologizing, defending yourself, or wondering if you’re the problem. The original issue disappears in the spin.
If that’s ever happened to you, please pause and take a breath. You’re not crazy for feeling confused. Anyone would feel shaken if every time they raised a concern, the story was flipped back onto them. That bewilderment isn’t weakness — it’s a sign that something manipulative just took place.
Researchers call this pattern DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s an incredibly helpful framework, coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, and it has given survivors invaluable language to name what’s happening in abusive dynamics. DARVO matters — and it’s worth knowing.
But here’s the challenge: in the moment, when your body is in fight/flight/freeze/fawn, DARVO can feel clunky to recall. That’s why I began using something simpler with my clients — one short word: FLIP.
The FLIP Tactic
No matter what form it takes, the goal is the same: to take the weight of blame off the person who caused harm and pile it back onto you.
Here’s how FLIP works:
F – Fault-shift. They push the responsibility away from themselves and onto you.
L – Lie or distort. They twist your words or the truth.
I – Invert the roles by insisting they’re the victim. Suddenly they’re the one who’s been wronged, and you’re on trial.
P – Punish. This can look like explosive anger, cutting words, guilt trips, or even the silent treatment — withdrawing affection and communication to make you pay for speaking up.
Punishment doesn’t always come in raised voices or slammed doors. Sometimes it’s the quiet withdrawal — the silence, the cold shoulder — that cuts the deepest. If you’ve endured that, you know how lonely and destabilizing it feels. Please know: being met with silence when you reach for connection is not your fault. It’s a tactic, and it’s cruel.
It’s a cycle many of us know by heart. You bring up a concern in hopes of clarity, and instead you leave feeling smaller, foggier, and ashamed.
How the Fallacies Fit Into FLIP
Over the past weeks we looked at different fallacies:
False Dilemma — “Either you forgive me immediately or you’re un-Christlike.” → Fault-shift.
Red Herring — “Why are you bringing this up when I work so hard for this family?” → Distort.
Appeal to Emotion — “If you loved me, you’d do this for me.” → Punish with guilt or pity.
Circular Reasoning — “You’re wrong because you’re wrong, and the fact you think I’m wrong proves I’m right.” → Distort + wear you down.
Strawman — “So you’re saying I’m a terrible person.” → Invert the roles and insist they’re the one under attack.
Each one feels a little different in the moment, but they’re all just moves in the same dance: the FLIP Tactic.
Why This Matters
You don’t have to chase every twist of logic or argue every point. You don’t have to remember the names of all the fallacies. You only need to pause and ask yourself:
Did the blame just get shifted back onto me?
Did my words get twisted?
Am I suddenly defending myself against something I never said?
If the answer is yes, you’ve just witnessed the FLIP Tactic.
And here’s what I want you to hear: the flip is not your fault. The confusion, the guilt, the shame you feel in those moments are not proof that you’re weak or wrong — they are the evidence that a tactic was used against you.
I want to say that again because it matters: the flip is not your fault. You could be the most gentle, gracious, Christ-loving woman in the world, and this tactic would still leave you reeling. That’s how powerful it is — and that’s why naming it is such a courageous first step toward freedom.
As Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free Now reminds women, look at the fruit. If the fruit of the conversation is always fear, shame, isolation, or endless self-defense, that fruit speaks louder than anyone’s claims about “what you really meant.”
Why FLIP Instead of DARVO?
DARVO is incredibly valuable. It has helped survivors, advocates, and professionals recognize what’s happening when abusers deny, attack, and reverse blame. But here’s the truth: in the moment, remembering DARVO can feel nearly impossible.
That’s because when we feel threatened — emotionally or physically — the nervous system kicks into survival mode. Blood flow is pulled away from the part of the brain responsible for logic, memory, and reasoning, and redirected to the parts designed for protection. That’s why so many survivors describe going blank, freezing, or struggling to think clearly in the moment.
And that’s where simplicity matters.
One short word — FLIP — can be easier to hold onto in the fog.
“This feels like a flip.”
“The script just got flipped.”
That little reminder can be enough to help you pause, ground yourself, and refuse to take on shame that doesn’t belong to you.
Later — once your body feels safer and your mind is clearer — you can go back and process the exchange more fully. That’s where DARVO, and the detailed acrostic of FLIP itself, becomes a powerful tool for journaling and reflection.
Using FLIP in Your Journal
Here’s one way you could use FLIP after the fact:
F – Fault-shift: Did they try to push blame onto you? How?
L – Lie or distort: Were your words twisted or misrepresented?
I – Invert roles / Insist they’re the victim: Did they claim to be the one hurt or wronged?
P – Punish: How did they try to silence or control you — through anger, guilt, shame, or the silent treatment?
And here’s something important: it won’t always fit perfectly. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to force your experience into neat boxes, but to notice patterns. If you see something happening that doesn’t fit FLIP, write it down. Give yourself permission to name it in your own words, or even create your own acrostic or shorthand.
When you write these things down, you’re not only recording what happened — you’re telling your nervous system: “I see you. I believe you. What I experienced was real.” That kind of self-validation is deeply healing. And if it doesn’t fit neatly, that’s okay. Your story doesn’t need to be tidy to be true.
The point isn’t perfection — it’s clarity. And every time you write it down, you reclaim just a little more trust in your own mind and your own voice.
Reflection for You
Take a few moments with these questions:
When have I seen the script get flipped in my relationships?
How did it leave me feeling in my body and spirit?
What would it look like to name it as FLIP instead of blaming myself?
Even writing down one story may help you begin to see the pattern more clearly — and to remember it was never your fault.
A Word of Hope
If you’ve lived under constant flipping of the script, no wonder you feel weary and unsure of yourself. But please know: the shame that’s been shoved onto you was never yours to carry.
Even if you feel like you’ve lost your bearings in the fog of constant flipping, you are not beyond repair. God has not lost track of you. He sees every distortion you’ve endured, and He delights in your heart that longs for truth. His voice will never confuse or condemn you — only call you beloved.
Jesus never used the FLIP Tactic. He never distorted, reversed, or silenced. He always honored the hurting, lifted the oppressed, and brought truth with compassion. Where others twist, He brings steady light.
So the next time you feel the blame turning back onto you, pause and whisper to yourself: “This is the FLIP Tactic. The flip is not my fault.”
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
A Final Word for the Series
If you’ve walked through this whole series with me, thank you. I know it hasn’t been easy to read about tactics that may mirror your own story. My prayer is that each article has lifted a little of the fog, helping you see that the blame-shifting, twisting, and silencing you’ve endured were never your fault.
One phrase I encourage you to carry with you is this: “The flip is not my fault.” When you find yourself rehearsing old arguments in your head, or feeling shame for words you never said, whisper it to yourself like a mantra: “The flip is not my fault.”
Part of what keeps trauma bonds so strong is the way we absorb responsibility that was never ours — shame that belonged to the abuser is carried on our backs instead. Naming “the flip is not my fault” helps you gently hand that shame back where it belongs and reclaim your freedom to see clearly.
You don’t have to remember every fallacy, or even every detail of the FLIP Tactic. What matters is that you begin to notice the patterns — and even more, that you remember who you are. You are not defined by someone else’s distortions. You are beloved, worthy, and seen by the God who never flips the script, never twists your words, and never shames your heart.
As you move forward, may you carry clarity where there has been confusion, peace where there has been fear, and hope where there has been despair.
And until you can believe all of that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Break Free from the Blame Game
Some of the heaviest burdens aren’t visible — they’re the moments when someone twists your words, shifts responsibility onto you, or makes you question your own judgment. You don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle. If you’ve been blamed, misrepresented, or gaslit, know this: there is another way forward.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize when the script is being flipped, reclaim your voice, and stand firmly in your truth.
Check out my resource list too — filled with books, workbooks, and tools to guide you toward clarity, self-trust, and empowerment.
You don’t need to carry the weight of someone else’s manipulations. Step by step, you can untangle the distortions, trust your instincts, and make space for your words to matter exactly as they are.
With you,
Charlene, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
