Trapped in the Loop: Spotting Circular Reasoning in Abusive Relationships
This article is part of my series on fallacies — the flawed ways of thinking that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and confusion. Each week, we’ll unpack a different fallacy, explore how it shows up in relationships, church culture, and narcissistic abuse, and learn how to replace it with clarity, truth, and freedom.
You can explore the full series here:
Letting Go Isn’t Losing: Understanding the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Our Healing Journeys
When the Real Issue Gets Lost: Recognizing the Red Herring Fallacy
When Abuse Makes It Feel Like You Have No Choice: Breaking Free from the False Dilemma
When Feelings Are Used Against You: Recognizing the Abuse in Appeal to Emotion
A Road That Only Circles Back
I can still recall the dear woman slumped back in her chair, her voice flat with exhaustion. “Every time I bring up his temper,” she relayed hoarsely, “it ends the same way. He insists the problem isn’t him — it’s that I’m too sensitive. The more I press, the more he circles back to the same line. I’m left drained, and somehow, I’m the one apologizing.”
Another woman described her frustration in church. She had raised a thoughtful question about whether a certain teaching was truly biblical. The response she got was eloquent, even wrapped in theological language: “This doctrine stands because it is rooted in God’s eternal truth, and we know it is God’s eternal truth because the doctrine has always stood.”
She told me later, “It sounded so lofty, so airtight, that I almost felt foolish for asking. But the more I sat with it, the more I realized nothing had actually been explained. The words circled back on themselves, and my question was left hanging in the air.”
And sometimes, this pattern starts in childhood. One woman remembered trying to tell her father how scared she felt when he yelled. His reply? “You wouldn’t be scared if you were a good daughter. And if you were a good daughter, you wouldn’t say things that make me yell.” No matter where she tried to begin, the circle always closed on her — the blame wound back to her shoulders every single time.
What Is Circular Reasoning?
Circular reasoning is a fallacy where the conclusion simply repeats the premise — the argument goes in a loop without ever offering real evidence.
It sounds like:
“I’m right because I said I’m right.”
“You’re wrong because you don’t agree with me — and the fact you don’t agree proves you’re wrong.”
If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling like you were running on a hamster wheel — worn out but no closer to clarity — you’ve likely experienced this fallacy.
I’ve had women tell me they left these conversations feeling like their mind was spinning long after the words stopped. They weren’t crazy, and neither are you if this has been your experience. That mental fog is what circular reasoning is meant to create — to wear you down until you stop trying.
Where We See It
Relationships: “I’m not controlling. The fact you think I am proves you’re too sensitive — which shows I’m not controlling.”
Church: “It’s true because we say it’s true.”
Family: “If you respected me, you wouldn’t question me. The fact you questioned me proves you don’t respect me.”
Self-talk: “If I were strong, I wouldn’t feel weak. The fact that I feel weak proves I’m not strong.”
The loop always protects the one in power and leaves the other person feeling small, unheard, and stuck.
If these examples sound familiar, please know this: you are not imagining things. When conversations keep looping back instead of moving toward truth, that’s not healthy dialogue — that’s a tactic. And recognizing it is the first step toward freedom.
A Biblical Example
In John 9, when Jesus healed the man born blind, the Pharisees refused to see the miracle for what it was. They insisted, “This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath.”
When challenged, their reasoning circled back on itself: He was a sinner because He healed on the Sabbath, and the proof that He was a sinner was that He healed on the Sabbath. Around and around it went — their conclusion was the same as their proof, and nothing could break the loop.
Meanwhile, the man who had just received his sight stood right in front of them. His very life was evidence that something holy had happened, yet they refused to see it.
Can you imagine how exhausting that must have felt? To have the truth of your own experience denied because others were trapped in a circle of their own making? Many of us know that feeling all too well — when we share what’s real, only to be met with reasoning that twists back on itself until we feel silenced and small.
But Jesus broke through the circle with clarity and authority. Where their words spun endlessly, His presence brought truth, dignity, and undeniable healing. He cut through their confusion and stood firmly with the one who had been dismissed.
And He does the same for us. When we feel caught in endless arguments, worn down by logic that only loops back to blame, Jesus meets us with clarity. He does not confuse. He does not entrap. He brings light where others spin shadows, and His truth always restores dignity to the one who has been silenced.
Why It Matters
Circular reasoning is destructive because it:
Mentally creates confusion and self-doubt.
Emotionally stirs frustration and despair.
Psychologically trains us to give up speaking altogether, believing “it won’t matter anyway.”
Spiritually makes God seem like a tyrant when used in faith contexts — a God whose “truth” is beyond question, even when it harms.
I’ve watched women wear themselves out trying to “reason” their way through circles like these, only to leave drained and defeated. That defeat is the point. The circle isn’t meant to move forward. It’s meant to wear you down.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women twist themselves into knots, replaying conversations at night, wondering if they just weren’t persuasive enough or kind enough. But here’s the truth: the problem was never that they lacked the right words. The problem was that the argument was designed to circle, not to resolve.
Researchers who study abusive dynamics identify circular reasoning as a kind of “thought-stopping tactic.” Instead of reaching resolution, the conversation is engineered to loop until the survivor feels too tired to keep going. Over time, this erodes self-trust, fuels shame, and creates what psychologists call learned helplessness — the sense that no matter what you say or do, nothing will ever change.
Psychological Impact
Being trapped in circular conversations can leave us feeling:
Drained, as though our energy is being siphoned away.
Ashamed, because the circle always seems to land back on us.
Hopeless, believing there’s no point in speaking up.
And so we adapt. Some of us fight harder, raising our voices in desperation. Others flee, avoiding hard conversations altogether. Some freeze, going silent mid-sentence. Others fawn, placating just to stop the cycle.
If you recognize yourself here, please know: you weren’t failing at communication. You were caught in a trap designed to be unwinnable.
How to Identify the Fallacy
When you’re caught in circular reasoning, the conversation feels endless but never moves forward. Here are some gentle ways to spot it:
Does the “proof” just repeat the claim? (Example: “I’m right because I said I’m right.”)
Do you keep hearing the same words, no matter what evidence you bring? If the answer always circles back, it’s not real reasoning.
Do you leave feeling dizzy, silenced, or like nothing new was said? That sense of spinning is a clue you’re in a loop.
Remember: healthy conversations may be hard, but they move toward clarity. Circular reasoning only moves in circles — designed to wear you down.
What to Do When You Suspect Circular Reasoning
If you sense a conversation slipping into a loop, here are a few gentle steps:
Notice the Pattern. Ask yourself: “Is this moving forward, or are we circling back to the same point?”
Step Out of the Loop. You don’t have to keep running in circles. It’s okay to pause or walk away.
Use a Clear Statement. Christian psychologist Dr. David E. Clarke, in his book Enough is Enough, recommends calmly saying: “I stand by what I said.” This short phrase keeps you anchored, refuses to get pulled back into the spin, and makes it clear you will not be worn down into changing your truth. It may feel awkward at first to say something so simple, but clarity is powerful. You don’t have to re-defend yourself a hundred times — you can simply stand by your words.
Seek Perspective. Share what happened with someone safe who can help you see the pattern clearly.
Anchor in God’s Voice. God does not confuse or entrap. His voice is steady, clear, and freeing.
Reflection for You
Take a few moments to journal:
Where have I felt trapped in circular conversations?
How did they leave me feeling in my body and spirit?
What would it look like to step out of the loop instead of running it again?
A Word of Hope
If you’ve been caught in circles, it’s not because you weren’t smart enough to “win” the argument — it’s because the argument was built to be unwinnable.
Your worth is not measured by how well you can “win” a conversation that was never meant to be fair. Your voice matters, even if others try to spin it into silence.
But Jesus never traps His daughters in endless loops. He brings clarity, dignity, and freedom. He breaks the cycle so you can step out of it.
You don’t have to keep circling. You are free to walk in truth.
And until you can believe that for yourself, I’ll believe it for you.
Take Back Your Voice and Your Clarity
Some of the heaviest chains aren’t physical—they’re the loops that keep you trapped in endless conversations, arguments, or manipulative cycles. But you don’t have to stay stuck. If you’ve felt confused, silenced, or doubting yourself as someone keeps going in circles with you, I can walk alongside you as you untangle these patterns and reclaim your voice, confidence, and freedom.
Schedule a confidential consultation with me today, and together we’ll create a personalized plan to help you recognize circular reasoning, set healthy boundaries, and step into conversations where your voice is heard and respected.
Be sure to check out my resource list as well — filled with trusted books, workbooks, and tools to support your journey toward clarity, self-trust, and empowerment.
You don’t have to carry every trap or argument that others try to impose on you. Step by step, we’ll separate manipulation from truth — and create space for your voice, your dignity, and your freedom to shine.
With you,
Charlene, MA, LMHC
Trauma-Informed Counselor & Coach
