When the One Who Hurt You Was Also Hurt: Holding Compassion Without Losing Yourself
You’ve probably wrestled with this question before—especially if you’re someone who sees beneath the surface, someone whose heart still whispers, “But they were a child once too.”
Maybe the person who hurt you—your spouse, your parent, a sibling, or even a close friend—has a history of their own. Maybe you know they were neglected, abused, or broken down long before they ever broke you. And now you find yourself caught in a painful, confusing place. You want to name the harm they’ve caused, but part of you still wonders:
Is it unfair to hold someone accountable for something that was shaped by their own trauma? Aren’t they a victim too?
You are not alone in this inner struggle. It’s one of the hardest emotional and spiritual tensions many of us will ever face. And if you’re asking these questions, it means your heart is still soft. That’s a beautiful thing. But gentleness doesn’t mean you can’t have truth.
Let’s hold both together.
Yes, They Were Likely Hurt Too
It’s true that many people who cause harm—especially those who exhibit narcissistic or emotionally abusive behaviors—have a story of their own. They may have grown up in chaos, with no safe place to learn love, empathy, or boundaries. In fact, research shows that severe abuse and neglect in childhood can impair emotional development and relational capacity.
So yes. That person may have been a victim long before they became a source of pain in your life. And it is okay—even healing—to grieve that. To say: "She was a little girl once too." "He never got the love he needed either." That’s not weakness. That’s compassion.
But compassion is not the same thing as justification.
Understanding Is Not the Same as Excusing
Here’s the hard truth: having a painful past doesn’t give someone the right to hurt others in the present.
We can understand how someone’s wounds may have distorted their view of love or power or control—but we don’t have to excuse their behavior. We don’t have to stay in harm’s way. And we definitely don’t have to call it love.
Even if they developed a personality disorder like narcissism as a response to their trauma, they are still responsible for their choices. While deep psychological damage may make self-awareness and empathy harder to access, it does not remove the impact of their actions. And it does not remove your right to safety, dignity, or peace.
Jesus himself said, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.” (Luke 17:3, NIV). Notice that—if they repent. Jesus never asks us to ignore harm, pretend it didn’t happen, or extend trust where there’s no change. Forgiveness may be a posture of the heart, but reconciliation requires repentance. Without that, maintaining distance may be not only wise—it may be the most faithful and loving response.
But Can They Heal?
This is another question many ask: Can someone like this ever change?
With God, all things are possible. But practically speaking, true transformation in someone with long-standing narcissistic or abusive patterns is exceedingly rare—and it never happens without deep, consistent accountability and a willingness to do the hard work of healing.
The sad reality is that many people with narcissistic traits lack the insight or humility to pursue that kind of change. They may double down on control, manipulation, or denial rather than face their wounds. And in some cases, they may feel entitled to behave as they do—believing the problem lies with everyone else.
So while it’s okay to pray for a miracle, it’s also wise not to put your life on hold for one. Hope is not the same thing as staying in harm’s way.
Are They Silently Suffering—or Just Oblivious?
You may wonder: Do they feel bad? Are they secretly tormented inside? Do they even know what they’re doing?
The answer is complex. Some people do feel a deep inner torment but are too defended to let it show. Others may be so entrenched in their entitlement, rage, or emotional detachment that they’re oblivious to the damage they cause.
But either way, their inner world does not erase the real impact on yours.
Your pain is real. Your story matters. And you don’t have to keep analyzing their motives to prove it.
When Accountability Feels Cruel
For those who are deeply compassionate, holding someone accountable can feel cruel. You may think, “But if they can’t help it... if they’re just acting from their own wounds… isn’t it unfair to confront them or walk away?”
But here’s the truth: accountability isn’t cruelty. It’s clarity.
Boundaries don’t punish people—they protect everyone involved. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23, NIV). God isn’t calling you to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else’s unhealed wounds.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to stop enabling the behavior. To say, “This may be your pattern, but I will not be your victim.” To pray for their healing from afar while safeguarding your peace.
Remember: God sees it all. The injustice done to them. The injustice done by them. And the injustice done to you. He holds all of it with perfect compassion—and He doesn’t confuse mercy with passivity. He calls us to love, but also to wisdom.
You Can Hold Both
You can hold compassion and boundaries at the same time.
You can grieve for the wounded child in them and also grieve what they did to the child in you.
You can understand why they are the way they are and still choose not to subject yourself to it.
You can love from a distance. You can let go without hate. You can protect yourself without becoming hard.
And if you’re struggling to believe that? I’ll believe it for you until you can believe it for yourself.
Scriptures for Reflection
If you’d like to reflect further, here are a few gentle reminders from Scripture that support your healing:
Luke 17:3 (NIV): “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV): “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Isaiah 1:17 (ESV): “Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression…”
Ecclesiastes 3:7 (NIV): “A time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak…”
Journaling Prompts to Support Your Healing
What compassion do I feel for the one who hurt me?
What boundaries have I avoided setting because I feel sorry for them?
What would it look like to honor both my empathy and my need for protection?
Ready to Rediscover Who You Are?
You’ve spent so long taking care of everyone else. Now it’s time to care for you. If you’re feeling lost, exhausted, or unsure of your next steps, I’m here to help you untangle the confusion and start healing—on your terms.
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When you’re ready, book a free call to take the first step toward a life that feels like yours again.
With you,
Charlene Richardson, LMHC & Trauma-Informed Coach
