Unlearning Pain as Love: The Tender Work of Inner Healing
You are not broken for staying longer than you should have.
You are not weak for having loved someone who hurt you.
You were simply being the girl who learned—somewhere along the way—that love meant enduring pain.
And before you can fully heal, that version of you needs to be seen and grieved.
The Little Girl Who Carried Too Much
Sometimes, the most courageous thing we can do is grieve the little girl inside—the one who believed pain was the price of love, that attention was affection, and that she had to suffer quietly to be worthy of care.
She was loyal. She was hopeful. She believed that if she could just be good enough, quiet enough, forgiving enough—then maybe she'd finally be loved the way she longed to be.
She tolerated sharp words and heavy silences. She excused unpredictable tempers. She twisted herself to please others and carried the shame when she couldn’t.
And she wasn’t foolish—she was doing what she thought was normal. What she thought was love.
That girl inside of you… she was trying to survive.
But now you’re choosing to heal. And that means gently telling her the truth:
Love was never supposed to hurt like that.
When Pain Poses as Love
Many of us were shaped in environments where affection and harm came hand in hand. Maybe it was a parent who only showed approval when you performed or pleased. Maybe it was a partner who wrapped control in “concern” or manipulation in “protection.” Maybe it was a friendship or family relationship that demanded you shrink in order to belong.
When these dynamics are repeated over time, we internalize a dangerous lie:
“This must be what love feels like.”
Pain becomes familiar. Chaos starts to feel like connection. And when someone comes along who mirrors those old patterns, our nervous system lights up—not because we’re safe, but because we’re home. The home we knew.
This is the soil in which trauma bonds are formed. A trauma bond isn’t about weakness; it’s about wiring. It’s the brain trying to make sense of intermittent warmth wrapped in consistent harm. It's why we cling, even when we’re hurting.
The Inner Child and the Heart of Healing
In therapy, we often talk about “inner child work”—not as a trendy buzzword, but as a sacred invitation to revisit the parts of us that were wounded in childhood and never truly comforted.
Your inner child is not imaginary. She’s the emotional imprint of your younger self: the little girl who needed safety, affection, and consistent love. When she didn’t get those things, she adapted. She masked her needs. She over-functioned. She kept quiet. She made pain feel normal just to survive.
And now?
She needs your gentleness.
She needs your honesty.
She needs your permission to feel what she couldn’t feel back then.
She needs your gratitude for keeping you safe the only way she knew how.
Grieving her is not about blaming her. It’s about honoring her. It’s about acknowledging all she endured without the tools you have now—and then releasing her from the belief that staying in pain is how she earns love.
Is This Biblical?
Some might wonder: “Isn’t inner child work too ‘secular’? Shouldn’t we just focus on moving forward in Christ?”
But Scripture is filled with God’s compassion toward the brokenhearted. Psalm 34:18 tells us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That crushed spirit often comes from wounds we sustained long ago. And God, in His kindness, invites us to tend to those places with His truth and love.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” He wasn’t exalting childishness—He was pointing to the openness, dependence, and purity of a child’s heart. How can we return to that posture if we won’t even look at the child within us?
Healing is not rebellion—it’s redemption. It’s prayerfully allowing the stories we once believed about love, worth, and identity to be rewritten.
And yes—sometimes that begins with acknowledging the little girl inside of you and gently reassuring her that love was never supposed to feel like fear.
Signs You Might Be Grieving the Girl Inside
You might be in this part of your journey if:
You feel waves of sadness, even after leaving a toxic situation
You catch yourself missing the potential of someone, not the reality
You question your judgment or feel shame for the past
You long for validation, even as you feel silly for wanting it
These aren’t signs of backsliding. They’re signs that the girl inside is stirring—asking to be seen, to be heard, and for her losses and pain to be grieved.
Let her speak.
What Healing Looks Like
You begin to set boundaries—not to punish, but to protect.
You grieve the fantasy, not just the relationship.
You stop begging for crumbs and start sitting at the table God prepared for you.
You see love not as something you chase, but something you are worthy of—freely.
This is sacred work. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Gentle Truth for the Journey
If you are grieving the little girl who confused pain with love—know this:
She was brave.
She did the best she could.
She deserves gratitude and permission to relax into a new chapter of peace.
You are not that little girl anymore. You have wisdom, support, and a God who doesn’t love you because you suffer well—but because you are His.
Let grief soften you. Let compassion steady you.
And if you can’t believe all this just yet…
I’ll believe it for you until you can believe it for yourself.
Ready to Begin Inner Child Healing?
If you’re grieving the little girl inside who mistook pain for love, you don’t have to do it alone. Through my newsletter, you’ll receive faith-sensitive, trauma-informed guidance, reflections, and tools to gently tend to your inner child, process spiritual trauma, and rebuild trust in your own voice.
When you’re ready, you can also book a confidential consultation. This sacred space allows you to process your story, rediscover what love was always meant to be, and take your first step toward peace.
Sign up for the newsletter for ongoing support—and if you enjoyed this article, check out my Substack.
With gentleness and grace,
Charlene Richardson, LMHC & Life Coach
